


Masturbation Assistance for the Near Sighted

by glitterandlube



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-01
Updated: 2010-08-01
Packaged: 2017-10-10 21:39:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/104593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robots</p>
            </blockquote>





	Masturbation Assistance for the Near Sighted

John keeps a list of bad days in his head.

The day he was born. He blames this day the most.  
The day his mom died and his dad abruptly decided John was an alien prank.  
The day he crashed his helicopter and got lost in the desert  
The day with the storm and the Genii and how Koyla didn't die  
The day Atlantis was attacked and Ford ran off to be a meth addict  
John + any day involving bugs. Including Lady Bugs.  
The day Ronon was kidnapped by galactic assholes  
The day John became a little too close and personal with the wrong kind of hand job. Also, Koyla still did not die.  
The day Rodney almost turned into a giant tentacle rape joke  
The day he found out that he and Rodney's date nights were cancelled for further notice because they accidentally started A WAR.

All of these days pale in comparison to the day they find the robots.

 

It's a slow day, and they haven't almost died horribly in over a week, so Rodney suggests they explore the South Side. John loves the South Side, because they do can do a big loop in a mock-golf cart, and Rodney shrieks a lot when John almost drives into stuff.

They have a pretty standard conversation in the golf cart.

John eats something out of a plastic container and he waves it at Rodney, "Does this taste like hummus to you?" as Rodney shrieks, "Jesus, will you keep your hands on the wheel!"

John grins and takes both hands off, and then immediately puts one back on, because he almost hits one of the blue water tank things. They come out of nowhere. He waves the container back at Rodney who shrinks away mumbling about lemon juice. John pulls the container back and looks at it.

"Huh, it doesn't look lemony." John shrugs as Rodney stares at him with a mixture of horror and disgust. John puts down the container, and gestures at Rodney, "Hand me some fake na'an."

Rodney unties the bag and carefully tears the Athosian bread into strips. [The Athosians call it Leviosa bread. Everyone is disappointed it doesn't make you float.] John starts steering with his knee so he can grab a few and load them down with hummus. Rodney has a completely different version of disgust on his face now. John grins, "Yum, lemon." Rodney gives him a nasty look and tosses the container in the back of the golf cart where John can't reach it.

"Don't make me turn this cart around, Rodney."

"Can you drive me up to my room? It's too bad I can't fit one of these into the transporters."

"You could get a segue-way." John pauses and thinks about the hordes of geeks on wheels.

"Everyone would be falling over the balconies, and that would be amusing." Rodney says absently as he looks out the windows as they move along the main drag.

John looks over at Rodney thoughtfully until Rodney turns to stare back at him. Rodney's face twists as he asks, "Why is that suggestion getting your serious face?"

"That would be funny off world. Fear my Wrath! And then you slide away at 2 miles an hour, striking terror in the hearts of thousands."

"I'm sure I could mount particle cannons on them."

"And they would fall over in mid-charge from the weight." John says as he turns the wheel suddenly so he can make the cart shake.

"Maybe I should build a tank? Or maybe we should stop walking places and just take the puddle jumpers." Rodney makes a not-walking motion with his hands, which John wishes he could copy, because it's completely hilarious. Also, he is pretty sure if he moved his fingers like that on a woman, she would marry him immediately. On the other hand.

"Still not working, Rodney."

"Fine. When we all die a horrible flailing death, with possible brain exploding in our skulls, I want you to know that my last words to you will be 'I told you so'."

"I am 1000 percent sure that no matter what happens, those will be your last words to me. Or you'll start asking me to share my feelings. I guess it would depend on how much of your brain had exploded at the time."

"It has become clear to me that you don't have any." Rodney pauses, and sits up further in his seat before continuing, "Look, we need to stop in about 200 more feet. I marked off a room last time that I wanted to look through."

"I don't have feelings or brains?" John asks as he stops in front of a doorway that has a sign on it that reads, 'Lair of Monsters, Space Oddities, and the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.' He glances over at Rodney who shrugs, and says, "Face it, it will be one of those three. Also, you have neither."

"You just want a Starbucks in space. Also, remember that time I solved a math puzzle that you choked on? And then you lost a ZPM to some woman you couldn't work out the correct way to hit on?"

Rodney looks at John, and says, "Remember the last time you got a blow-job?"

"I remember this morning."

Rodney keeps looking at him. John squirms, "Alright. I only have feelings in my dick. Can we get out of the golf cart now?"

They both climb out of the vehicle, and John picks up his P90, and stuffs a few spare clips into his vest. He looks over at Rodney, who is fussing with his datapad. John rolls his eyes, and leans around the front pole on the cart to ask, "You have snacks right? I don't want to hear you asking me for food in a half-hour."

Rodney waves him off as he keeps punching things into his datapad, "I have more not-na'an and leave that lesbian food in the car."

John slumps against the wall next to door, and gives Rodney a puzzled look. "Lesbian food?"

"Yes, lesbians eat a lot of hummus. It's a well-known fact." Rodney gives John his 'which you of course do not know' look.

John slumps further down on the wall before saying, "Actually, Lesbians eat..."

"Stop speaking right now." Rodney commands as pokes at the crystals that operate the door. "These ones are different for some reason, you can't just wave your hand and..." John leans past Rodney and waves his hand, and the door opens. Rodney finishes, "and just Kirk your way in there. Dammit."

John shrugs, and slides past Rodney to walk into the room. "Some people have a way with the ladies. Some people are named after ladies." John ignores Rodney's mutterings of death to stalk around carefully, the room just kind of looks empty, and full of machines that might secretly control A) the whole of the universe B) Michael Jackson C) The Dell guy D) Rodney just opened another door without warning John and there are a bunch of things that look like John. John grits his teeth as Rodney starts *laughing* Why is it always D with the Ancients? Why can't it's ever be A or C?

He runs over and pushes Rodney back as he brings his P90 up, and Rodney grabs his arm, making him jump. Rodney is saying, "No, no, they aren't a threat. This word here means. Well." Rodney can't finish his sentence because he's laughing again. John thinks very seriously about hitting Rodney with his gun instead of the clones of himself, and eww, one is reaching out and TOUCHING HIS ARM. John screams and jumps back, and hits Rodney in the forehead for choking with laughter like that. The hell with Rodney, he's bringing Zelenka with him next time.

Rodney manages to get the arm down, and the door shut, before ushering John out of the room. John is frantically asking questions like, "What the hell?" and "Why did they all look like me?" and "STOP LAUGHING AND ANSWER ME." Rodney gets into the cart and gestures at the wheel. He stops giggling long enough to say, "Please drive us back, we really need to get Elizabeth out here to see this. And um, translate it further. For study." Rodney starts coughing as John glares at him. John stomps over to the golf cart, gets in, performs a completely awesome 180 degree U-turn that makes Rodney not quite wet his pants, and slams the petal down to the bottom of the floor.

The cart still only goes 30 miles an hour but it makes John feel better. Rodney is clutching at the side of the cart and trying to stop laughing enough not to fall out of the cart. John kicks him in the shin with his Marine-issue combat boot, and Rodney stops laughing, and starts yelling at John. John smiles viciously, and rocks the cart a little to the right. The rest of the ride back consists of John trying to hit the walls on Rodney's side, and Rodney grabbing wildly at the wheel to fend off his own [horrible] death. They are both in horrible moods when they make it to control room. Rodney's lasts all the way until he steps on John's foot, and then rushes off to explain something very quietly to Elizabeth. And for once, it is not in his stage whisper heard by thousands. John knew he was a faker.

Elizabeth's face stays perfectly calm as she asks Rodney a few questions. John stares at both of them, impatiently waiting to be told why there are a bunch of John clones in the B-8 rooms. This has ruined Chicago for him. It might have even ruined the golf cart. He suddenly wants to go deliver a personal message to Chaya to pass on when Elizabeth raises her head and gestures John over. Elizabeth spends about ten full minutes not looking him in the face until she explains that accordingly to what Rodney has told her, the John clones are companions. For the people on Atlantis.

John makes a face, "Companions? What do you mean?" He looks at Rodney's face of glee, and his mouth falls open, "ARE THEY ROBOT HOOKERS THAT LOOK LIKE ME?"

Rodney hides behind Elizabeth as he says, "Well, if the shoe fits..." and then runs the hell behind the desk because John is already around her and is going to kick his ass. Ten minutes later, Elizabeth is sighing a lot as Ronon holds John back, and Rodney is holding his arm and whining, "I didn't make them you crazy person." John huffs and looks around at his team. He yells, "None of you are allowed to touch one of those things!"

Ronon immediately lets go of John and backs off as Teyla says, "I am not interested in you like that, John."

Rodney scoffs, "I already have a robot John of my very own. What would I want another one for? Oh. Hmm."

John squawks. "What did you say?" He jumps over the desk to get at Rodney, and everyone else in the room sighs as Ronon hauls him back. Teyla leans over to John and calmly whispers, "Is it normal to abuse your partner so frequently on Earth? I heard one of the Marines asking to be spanked yesterday, and now I'm a little worried about your people."

"You hit people with sticks!"

"As a means of self-defense, I don't hit people as a sign of affection. Would I have better luck being asked out if I..."

Elizabeth interrupts their discussion to order them all out of her office so she can decide what to do the robot-John problem. Rodney turns his head back to face her as he walks out, and casually asks, "You mean you don't want your own sex robot?" and screw Ronon's super-powers, John yanks out of his hold to tackle Rodney on the floor and they end up rolling around in front of all of John's men, his boss, his other team-mates, and possibly General O'Neill, if that series of lights mean that someone is taking pictures.

John gets off Rodney, and looks over at him. He's bitching, and his hair is sticking up, and he's claiming that John injured his ribs. Rodney looks up from the rip in his jacket, and he exclaims, "It's not like I'm going to let anyone else in the city touch you. Or anything that looks like you. I won't even share a coffee mug with anyone, what makes you think I'd let them screw my...person I have relations with."

John falls back onto the floor and just laughs and laughs. Rodney pats his boot awkwardly, and says, "It's okay, the madness was going to come eventually."

They end up back at the room, with a bunch of Marines, and shiny bombs, and Rodney fussing about how it makes him uncomfortable to think of blowing up things with John's face. John nods and says, "I think your sister is hot." Rodney's head snaps up, and he blurts out, "Okay, I'm fine with it now."

He opens the door, and the room is...empty.

"Huh."

John doesn't start crying, because that would mean admitting he actually knows how, but he does break some stuff. They go off in search of the lost [sex robots] John-bots, moving in a grid pattern. Unfortunately, the robots don't show up on the database, or the hand-helds, or anywhere. They appear to have vanished out of the city. John spends a lot of time not sleeping, and stalking around the base, opening doors at random, and yelling at his Marines.

After a full week of not finding anything, John wonders in to mope in the labs.

Radek is out of uniform since it is his day-off, and he is wearing his favorite shirt when John comes in. [It's only funny when it happens to everyone else.]

John makes a face at the shirt, but Radek ignores him. In fact, everyone in the room is ignoring him. John takes in how everyone looks more cheerful than usual, but refuses to look him in the face. He turns on his heel, and goes to find Rodney. When he opens the door to Rodney's quarters, Rodney is talking to one of the John-bots, waving his hand as he explains something about the cloaking device the city uses. John's hand smacks the side of the wall and Rodney jumps.

"This is war."

"What? No!" Rodney yells at John, "He. It. The thing just came in like ten minutes ago and asked me something. I've haven't seen it before."

"And you didn't call me right away?" John utters as he stalks over to Rodney. John's face has that flat, blank look he gets right before he kills something. Rodney runs into the bathroom and slams the door, before yelling, "I WAS ASKING HIM WHERE THE OTHER ONES ARE LIKE A SMART PERSON! YOU CRAZY MAN!"

John turns to the John-bot, who wavers, and tries to duck around him. John grins. There is a lot of noise. Twenty minutes later when Rodney peeks out of the bathroom, there is a John-bot head sitting on his pillow. Rodney walks over to it, and pokes at it. The eyes open up, and Rodney calmly walks the hell away from it, over the body laying on the floor, and shuts the door behind him. Then he goes to murder the whole science division including the fake pretending to be science branches.

When he reaches lab five, it's deserted, and John is sitting on the large table in the middle of the room. He smiles at Rodney, and pats the part of the table beside him. Rodney cautiously walks over and sits down next to John.

John inquires, "Did the robot tell you where the other robots are?"

"No. Did you have to cut off its head like a giant freak and leave it on my BED?"

"I had to take it the mattresses." John says as he nods calmly.

Rodney puts his face in his hands, and mutters, "Why has my genius led me here?"

John nudges his shoulder, and asks, "So what did it tell you?"

"You suddenly believe that I'm not conspiring to sleep with your robot self?"

"Everyone ran away when I came in the lab. I think it's probably more them than you." John taps his fingers on his thigh holster, and Rodney tries for the 14,000,000th time not to find that hot, and fails.

"Ah, it told me that Atlantis thinks everyone is unhappy, and they need to relax, and that since she thinks you're so awesome, more of you would help out in that whole relaxing area. Also, that you do like me but can't admit it because of the brain damage."

"It did not say that!"

"I believe it did." Rodney looks smug as John puts his hand on Rodney's wrist and mumbles, "Maybe a little. Not the part about the brain damage."

They end up doing a room by room sweep, and they keep finding John-bots hidden under beds, and in closets. Rodney goes, "You know it's funny that most of them are in the closet..." until John glares at him, and he crosses his arms, and smiles.

They collect them all back in the room they came out of, over much protesting. Campbell yells, "But they are perfect companions! Haven't you noticed how much happier everyone looks lately?"

Rodney puts his hand on John's arm before he can say anything, and moves forward. "I have enough material to build a neutron bomb that will kill all of you, and leave the city, and John and I intact. What are your thoughts on keeping the sex robots?"

Everyone mumbles and drifts away. Teyla looks over at John, and asks, "What do you plan to do with the robots?"

John shrugs, "Cannon fodder I guess. Or I could play golf with their heads." Rodney lets go of John's arm and walks into Elizabeth's office and shuts the door.

Ronon, Teyla, and John all turn to leave the gateroom. Ronon looks over at John, and asks, "So, do you think the city can make a copy of anyone?"

John looks over at him, and frowns, "Why?"

Ronon shrugs, "Funny prank on McKay."

John starts to laugh.

That Halloween, Rodney walks into his room and starts yelling as a robot version of John is making out with a robot version of himself. Then he stops yelling to watch a little bit. Then he gets his video camera.

The robots spend the entire Halloween party groping each other, making everyone but John, Rodney, and Ronon uncomfortable. Samantha Carter turns to Rodney and asks, "Can you really do that with your tongue?"

The team all stares at her as John drawls out, "Don't make me shoot you, Colonel."

Sam sits back, and says, "Do you think the Stargate makes people gay?"

Rodney shakes his head, "John was gay before this. Way before this. And I'm um, not opposed to any reasonable offer, and John's offer was quite reasonable. What with the..." John smacks his hand over Rodney's mouth and leans over to Sam to ask, "So, have you started having cravings for hummus lately?"

Rodney's eyes go wide.


End file.
